Funny quotes

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
Bob Hope

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.
Kevin Nealon

A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore.
Yogi Berra

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
Claude Pepper

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Lana Turner

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Jerry Seinfeld

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield

I have a love interest in every one of my films: a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger

I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M. Schulz

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Elayne Boosler

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Rodney Dangerfield

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
Will Rogers

I'm undaunted in my quest to amuse myself by constantly changing my hair.
Hillary Clinton

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.
Elayne Boosler

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets.
Mel Brooks

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question?
Lily Tomlin

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.
Woody Allen

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
Lily Tomlin

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
Jay Leno

The superfluous, a very necessary thing.
Voltaire

The way taxes are, you might as well marry for love.
Joe E. Lewis

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
Chris Rock

There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
Henry A. Kissinger

There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch too many of them together.
Josh Billings

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
Kevin James

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.
Dennis Miller

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks